She had laboured through the tedious monotony of factory work initially, followed by many strenuous spells as a cleaner. The role of a breadwinner aside, household chores and cooking were also burdened upon her. To say her life was tough would be a severe understatement, yet she persevered on, without complaints. Upon retirement, she took up to the job of raising my siblings and me. The values she has imparted to me, have become the foundation of my work ethic.
I came home one day in Secondary 3, despondent over grades. In addition to that, i was tiding through a poor season in my sport due to injuries. I openly declared my desire to give up and quit. While i was yearning for some affection, my grandmother shot me down with a revelation, "Why so little resilience in the face of hardship?" In that moment, I realised I understood hard work superficially and mised the importance of resiliance.
Since then, these values have been the pillars of my life. Be it in sports, work, or studies, I always keep myself firmly grounded and constantly strive to improve. I intend to do the same in my career as a sports specialist, approaching it whole heartedly and with an unshakable attitude. Despite difficulties I may face on the job, I believe that the combination of my resilience, expertise as well as passion for the job will allow me to undertake it effectively.
Hi Aldrich!
ReplyDeleteYour grandmother would have been so proud if she were to read this post. Anyway,I didn't quite get the last sentence of your second paragraph: the word "mised" is a typo or is there such a word? And I think for the last sentence of the first paragrapf, it would be better to write "the values she taught me have..." instead of using the word "has" twice.
p/s: After looking at your photograph, I am glad I am going home soon. Thank God you didn't upload this earlier; I miss home cooking so much!
Man, I’m hungry…
ReplyDeleteAnyway! I think you did a good job, Aldrich. It does appear that the quality which you have chosen to talk about has been given thought, and the relevance to the position you are applying for has been well established. I also felt that the message conveyed with your story was very clear, and the entire passage easy to follow. In addition, the story that you chose to tell added the right amount of personal touch and left quite an impression.
However, I noticed that in the sentence “The values she has taught me, has become the foundation upon with i built my life upon”, you used the word “upon” twice. Perhaps it would be better if you did not, because it does sound a little odd. Also, your i should have been an I right? Think you might have overlooked that.
Well, those are really minor errors. Overall, I was really impressed. Nice! :)
Hello Aldrich! Your grandma sounds and resembles to my grandma in one way or another. Having gone through all the hardships by herself, I believe your grandmother has managed to inculcate the values of perseverance and determination to you. The story is of high relevance to what you want to convey to the reader, and no doubt the values you mentioned in the beginning fits the job. However, I have a couple of suggestions and do see if they are relevant.
ReplyDelete- For the last sentence in the first paragraph, I believe that you mentioned more than one value; therefore I think that the values ‘have’ become the foundation instead of ‘has’.
- The first sentence of the second paragraph can be split up into two sentences for neater organization of sentences.
- Spelling error of ‘resilience’ in the last sentence of the second paragraph.
- Maybe you can rephrase “…become the foundation upon with i built my life upon.” In the first paragraph to “…become the foundation in which I built my life upon.”
The errors are minor but overall, the flow and personal touch in the personal statement really does warm my heart. Nice writing!
Regards,
Ivan
Hi Aldrich,
ReplyDeleteI think you did pretty well in illustrating your unique characteristic. The essay is coherent and clear. It allows me to relate to where you got your inspiration from, how you instill the value and how you are going to make use of your perserverance in your future obstacles. The smooth flow is evident.
Particularly, i like these phrases you have used.
"these values have been the pillars of my life"
" approaching it whole heartedly and with an unshakable attitude"
I think your audience will also feel inspired by your personal statement!
This can be a very fine statement. You've got the raw material. However, you need to elaborate on your grandmother's hardships and then clean up the sloppy language use:
ReplyDelete1) great conviction that my grandmother is the greatest >>> too many **greats** here
2) ...a **multitude of blue collar jobs** in post-war Singapore, she is to me, the epitome of hard-work and perseverance.
>>> for example? One or two details here would be effective. Show us the sweat, man!
3) raising my siblings and I. > raising my siblings and me.
4) The values she has taught me, has become > The values that she has taught me have become
5) i built > I built
Go for it!
Hello all,
ReplyDeleteThank you all for the comments and help. I've made changes to the personal statement, hope its better now. I appreciate the help alot. Sorry i'm replying to one and all so late, it has been quite a stressful week.
best regards,
aldrich
Hello Aldrich,
ReplyDeleteYou're making me miss my Grandmother!
Umm, am I the first to make a comment after you added in the 2nd paragraph? Because it seems like you mentioned about the hardships your granny went through (which was lacking initially according to Brad's comment). Great attempt to improve your personal statement but I feel that because you probably added in the 2nd paragraph separately, it doesn't seem to flow as well? Its like you were talking about your granny imparted you values that formed the foundation of your work ethics yet the next paragraph, you talked about your schooldays when u actually lacked resilience.
Maybe moving the 3rd paragraph to the 1st would be more appropriate??
Cheers,
Yuan Ru
Hi Aldrich,
ReplyDeleteYour personal statement contains a message which is particularly impactful and memorable. "Why so little resilience in the face of hardship?" It is a message worth repeating and I appreciate that you have shared it with us.
However, it is not an effective personal statement in my opinion. You take too long to get to your point about resilience. And your opening does not grab the reader's attention.
I don't mean to be mean, so I hope you can take it in the right spirit. I understand that you have had a stressful week so the quality of your work will undoubtedly suffer. Or you will undoubtedly suffer to maintain the quality of your work.
Getting back to business, from your second paragraph, "...household chores and cooking were also burdened upon her.", seems to be awkwardly phrased. It could perhaps be better expressed as "...she also bore the burden of household chores..."
Sorry, I hope it doesn't seem like I'm giving you fish by telling you how to rephrase your sentences. It's just a suggestion to illustrate how the same ideas can be expressed in a different way. In any case, I'm not even sure if you need the fish to be honest, since your way of expressing may be easily understood by everyone else but me.
Thanks for your personal statement. Even though I feel there is room for improvement, it has nonetheless left an impression on me.